I've been thinking lately (thats not always a good thing) about my life.
As a child I wanted to live to be 101. However in recent years my depression and self harming thoughts have led me to question if I will be here next year, let alone in 10, 20, 50 years.
Being 32, which is almost 35, so basically 40 (haha, my brain), has made me think. It is quite possible I am nearer to my death than my birth. In fact, maybe I only have a few years left, we truly never know when our time will be up.
This has led me to starting thinking I should be leading my best life now.
Who knows what the future holds, and if we will be here in X number of years.
I look at my life, in a strangely positive light. I live in a house, I have 3 cat companions, I have the blog and podcast, a job I enjoy and find satisfaction in. Plus I have been blessed this year with meeting Laura.
I think for me, I feel I want to continue to say yes to new things. In the same way I have stared to over the last year or so. Skydiving and The Drop at Portsmouth were great to do, I want to continue to be open to trying new activities I want to do.
Looking after myself, but not being so hard on myself when I want to chill or eat out. I've done a fair bit of eating out recently, but half the time I feel guilty about it. I would like to be able to just enjoy those times without worrying so much about money or eating bad things.
However, I do also want to get more active and enjoy my body. I don't want to feel crappy about my body and my appearance. I do need to eat better at home and put in more effort to get active more often.
The love life has been a challenge, I still struggle hugely with being in a relationship. But I am learning how to talk about my struggles and I am getting better at identifying what is a 'Mike thought' and what is a 'BPD thought'. I have been so lucky to have Laura around, who is so receptive to listening and asking questions to help me think about what is happening in my head. She's pretty ace.
I am so glad I had time being single and then some time dating. I honestly feel like I could take or leave a relationship, I was ok (for the purpose of this point, haha) on my own. I really wasn't fussed about a relationship, I am still not. But what I do want is Laura, and for me thats everything. I am not with Laura because I want or need a relationship. I am with her because I love her.
Maybe living my best life is as much about fully recognising what I already have and am doing. Tomorrow my mind may shift (yay negative thoughts, face palm), but right now, I feel like I might be living a version of my best life, and that, thats pretty cool.