This morning I woke up (after snoozing the alarm for 40 minutes) with a feeling of sadness. Today is my birthday.
Birthdays are meant to be filled with fun, people, happiness and celebrations. While I do have some family time this evening, when I will also be seeing the lovely Laura, I am again filled with emptiness and a willingness to just disappear. Life could end now and I feel like I would be ok with that.
Today, on my birthday, I am not looking back, or looking forward. I am content to leave.
Birthdays are hard. I guess subconsciously there are evaluations happening. Is this where I though I would be at 32? Is this where I want to be at 32? Does the 32 matter, is this where I want to be period?
I feel very emotional today. It's been a big couple of weeks. Work has been good, but quite busy and fairly isolated work, which usually I love. But this last week or so it's felt different.
My relationship with Laura is wonderful, she is amazing. I feel more and more that she is just the most amazing human.
Yet, I still struggle with the thoughts and feeling around a relationship. Things I now remind myself I never struggled with before my depression and potential BPD.
I am struggling to concentrate, my mind is unable to fix on any one thought. Yet, that emptiness and... general sadness is a constant.
Do I need to be around people to fake my way out of this sadness? Would acting on these thoughts help? My 'common sense mind' tells me obviously not. But the thoughts remain.
A few days ago I was talking to friend and remembered going out out for an evening and just enjoying life. I miss that sometimes. Then I remember the lack of control I have over myself now. My emotional and mental instability mixed with alcohol is not a good thing.
Then I wonder if I would be ok... then I wonder if, if I was not ok, would I be ok with that?
I know... hope this will pass. These thoughts tomorrow will move backwards and hide in my mind, ready to jump out at another time. Today is a day to survive. Hopefully, maybe I can thrive tomorrow... or the day after.
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Ok, so its an hour later and I still feel crappy and was a bit worried about me so I'm opting to finish this post with some happy smiley crap.
Writing for me has and continues to help so much. I am so grateful to have found this tool to support with my recovery.
This year I was involved with a suicide awareness campaign. While this was difficult at times, it was so important and I am delighted I was asked to be involved with the filming.
Around this time last year I jumped out of a plane, and in a week or two I will be jumping off the Spinnaker Tower in Portsmouth.
At the start of 2018 I started working full time for a mental health charity.
In mid December I met Laura and since then have been amazed by her beauty, compassion, beliefs and well, pretty much everything about her.
Plus, tonight I get to see my nieces.
Life isn't perfect and I am struggling (particularly today), but I know there is support around me from friends, family and Laura (and professional services if I call between 8.00 and 8.01am, ooo, humour in this post, didn't see that coming, hahaha).
If like me you are struggling, remember Samaritans are always there (116 123 in the UK).
Life isn't ok, I am not ok. But... that is ok...