top of page
  • Writer's pictureMike Douglas

My 20mg to 40mg citalopram changes

So it's been awhile... I think last time I posted my medication had just been increased, since then there's been a few changes.

I was originally on 20mg of citalopram, which after my first review was increased to 40mg. The 20mg had helped with decreasing the intensity of the thoughts and emotions I was having. However they had not affected the frequency. I still faced constant torture with feelings of low mood, low morale, low energy, low motivation, generally very low. I was still having thoughts of self harm, the sight of a knife was and is my leading demon. But other thoughts would persist with their attempted coup of my mind, drowning, suffocation, jumping from a high position (there's a couple of places in particular). Given the condition and danger I found myself in a New Year, even drink has found a way into my mind as ways to end this thing called life. I have even thought about drugs, something I have never previously been interested in or drawn too.

Then the moment can pass, sometimes it's quick, often it's not. I try not to think about it because of the seriousness of this..........well, because it's serious and scary.

Now I am taking 40mg a day this has helped to decrease the frequency of these thoughts and emotions. They are still there, but I'm ok with that. Is that good? I mean I'm not looking for a cure, just help and understanding. Then in the other hand, does this mean I'm holding on to these thoughts? It is true I do still miss the intensity that I was getting with these thoughts, feelings and emotions. This is an issue I discussed with a couple of people in my final iTalk CBT group, which seemed to be something one or two others were familiar with.

I think my 'wellness' has also been helped by spending more time with my nieces in the last three weeks and having a few dates has been somewhat reaffirming too. I guess it's that idea of being more stable within yourself and seeing yourself through someone else's eyes too....maybe...I don't know.

Today I'm thinking of life as a journey, it doesn't have an end or a destination. Simply, different routes and various pathways, with plenty of options and numerous experiences to be explored.

I hope you're well.

bottom of page