It's Moving Week
It's flipping moving week! I can't quite believe it's just a couple of days till moving. In reality it has been a short amount of time but this last bit feels so all encompassing.
I sit surrounded by bin bags, boxes and bubble wrap. Well... and all the unpacked stuff too. I think I have been fairly good with the practical side of things. I've informed most places about my change of address. I have gradually packed and dismantled and I'm happy with the moving plans. In this time I have realised a few things about myself I don't think I was as aware of before.
Asking for help
Asking for help is so not my bag. Heck, I am not good at accepting help, let alone asking for it. I worry I will be putting people out, that I'll owe them something, that they will hold it over me, that they will not show up. In fact I think even smaller things like meeting up, I often plan for 'it's got to be ok if no one comes/ turns up'. Or do I need help enough for it to be worth owing someone.
Seeing Laura's approach to asking for help, seeking support and talking openly is something I both aspire to, fear and can't comprehend. Her willingness to say 'I need help' to friends and family is a relationship level I don't have.
This week I have pushed myself to ask for help, following offers. It has lead to honest replies of help, and a desire to, even if it's not possible at the time. I think my own self value may come into why I find this so hard. Maybe. But I would like to say a huge thank you to those helping with the move and to those that made genuine kind offers.
Leaving my current place isn't too difficult. It's something I have considered and spoken about possibly doing on here before. However I recreated a nice, cool space for me here. I like it. But it has not been a home to me for a long time. My ties to this property are few. I think I have been here long enough (hopefully) to look back fondly on my time here. But I do have sad memories here; self harm and suicidal thoughts, crappy depression, financial worries, a relationship breakdown and so much sadness.
Some of those thoughts and feelings may happen again, I am pretty sure that sadness will always be there, but. But this physical move comes at a time when much is changing for me.
I have recently completed my third season of therapy, I am in a steady fulfilling job, I have just held the second amazing Mental Health Blog Awards and I am in a loving relationship. I am learning to be happy.
Living with Laura
Every day I am amazed a little more by Laura and her beauty. Truthfully, the thing that amazes me most is she doesn't know how beautiful she is. Sadly I don't think she will ever accept how amazing she is.
Because of my difficulties with relationships I struggle to look at the long term, which has lead me avoid talking about 'forevers'. While this used to make me sad (still does, but not as much), it brings me so much joy to think each and every day I/ we choose to be in a relationship together. We are not together today because we were yesterday. We are together today because we choose to be today. That, that fills my heart. I am one lucky dude.
I am sure there will be times we will annoy each other in the future, but I don't care. I am so excited to share my life with this amazing human. To know she's just in the other room will be so good. I look forward to annoying her with constant hugs.
I am, and that's a change. It's not natural to me, but I am.
Heres to a new chapter.