Flirting online, most of us have done it.
Its been a while since my 'First dates and similar problems' blog post, in that time there hasn't been much online flirting. There has been a few tinder matches and a few dates (sassy emoji), but generally less flirting.
**Warning Adult Themes**
I think my lack of flirt this year this has partly been because of my own body image. I have kind of felt that I wasn't sexy or someone/thing to be desired. I have written and spoken about my body and my 'attempts' to be 'fitter'. But I think its also the impression I have of myself, as well as how I look.
One of my 'issues' is Borderline Personality Disorder linked, in that I find relationships and trusting hard. I also struggle with receiving caring and or loving behaviour from others. It definitely has affected my mindset and what I feel happy with. For example, when talking to someone (or looking at their dating profile hahaha) and you discover they want a relationship now, marriage in 2 years and kids in 3. My reaction is 'I have issues and concerns about relationships, without even getting to the other stuff', so I pretty much stop there. I am not ready mentally or emotionally for those things.
My marriage broke up at a time when we were planning to have children. Going from everything to what felt like nothing was more that heartbreaking. It has meant I have questioned what I even want in life, let alone a relationship. In the last two years I have dated people with children, I've been on dates people in their late teens, 20's and 30's. I guess its nice to be open, but at the same time maybe it shows I don't know what I want. I guess my mindset is based on my mood at the time.
This has meant that anyone I talk to who has a clear mindset of what they want instantly becomes less desirable to me, because I don't see myself as someone that is able to provide them with that.
All that said, sometimes, sometimes... I am just horny.
Sometimes I just want to talk to a pretty girl, I want to flirt, I want to feel their desire (even if its just to flirt and they don't fancy me). Its nice, its good to let it out, to feel, to connect and to share with someone. I have to say talking with someone and building up a mutual desire for one another is super hot. Even if it never comes to anything 'in real life'. Between 2 people (or more) you can create amazing images, stories, desires and fantasies.
I have been fortunate enough to have shared experiences with a few people online. Unfortunately this was mostly in 2016 and early 2017. Don't know if you noticed, but 2017 is starting to close out! I miss the stories.
I mean, who wouldn't miss being told someone wants to ride your face till they cum and then grab your penis as they position themselves, ready to feel you inside of them?
In recent months I have spoken to a couple of people and one of them in particular, has really helped me feel desired again. We haven't sexted, it has just been flirting. But actually being involved in those conversations has made me question whether I could have a relationship in the future. Maybe it is something I could have, maybe it is something I want?
I think when we are hurt it is natural to question everything, and even yourself. It can take time to work out what we want / need / are happy with. While I still don't know, I am happy that I can be flirty and it doesn't have to mean something big. It can just be cheeky, it can be enjoying someone else company, it can also be desiring them and enjoying them wanting you. Whatever it is I am glad to be able to explore this part of me again.