Do you ever have those weird dreams that are kind of real? Like there's no one flying around or doing anything (too) ridiculous. Yet the narrative is still quite a bit out there. Last night I had at least one of those dreams. I really should have written it down when I woke up. Someone at work was trying to stop me doing something (which I now can't remember). I think maybe exposing a secret or something. Sorry this is super vague now isn't it, hahaha. I remember them sending other staff, none were people I recognised though, to get me. I was running around a very large campus site trying to avoid them because they wanted to get me. I think there was also high netting around the site keeping us contained... maybe. That's kind of as much as I remember. Now, I don't know if that's what I remember exactly or if that's how I have interpreted it now I'm awake and it's 3 or 4 hours later. But it does kind of make sense to me, in a way. Last night I had a very small episode, it only lasted about a minute. I believe it's because I was thinking about relationships and connections. It's been a little while since I have felt like this, I guess because I have become more settled in myself, possibly. The idea of possibly was exciting, something which maybe I have / continue to repress. Almost like a secret (you see)! It is a side of me that I try to keep in check by focusing on tasks and having something going on. I wouldn't be surprised if it even is part of why I struggle to watch tv without doing something else at the same time. Because I'm avoiding feeling or connecting, even to a flipping programme. In my dream this could have been represented by a very authoritative figure at my workplace, who does not appear to value the type of things I am essentially running from. She was trying to catch and stop me. The netting around the outside is me struggling within a restraint of my own making, with want I think I need and what I think I want? Maybe...
In the morning the hope and excitement has passed. A dismissive and negative feeling has established its right to my outlook on relationships. I find myself again hoping for happiness alone, because happiness with someone is not a realistic target. I can and have been happy on my own. Being independent and doing what you want when you want is pretty awesome. Then something, often someone, hits you and you have hopes or desires that involve a more connected life. Only to be reminded that your life is not destined to be that way. Or maybe it's all just stuff and I've connected things that are not connected. Who knows?
All I know right now is that I feel quite dismissive about myself and my relationships. That this evening will be spent in sweat pants crying.
Fingers crossed for a improved day tomorrow. Have you ever had strange dreams? Come on, we all have right? Right?!