Depression & My Desire to Self Harm
Wow I'm learning to deal with my episodes much better, I'm typing away before I started to do anything this time.
Trigger Warning I'm going through it at the moment, this will be self harm related.
I am filled with a real desire to hit myself, its so hard to explain. To those that have not suffered these thoughts it is near impossible to explain.
For me it started with twitching and spasming. My stomach tenses, my body curves into a ball. My hands start to make fists, I go to rip my hair out, but I manage to stop my hands push against my head. There is so much going on. Anger, frustration, annoyance, sadness. Just agh!
I feel the desire to hit myself, my hands want to make fists they want to swing, they want to impact on my face, I want to claw at my skin, at my face, my thighs, my face.
I fight to keep my palms open to stop them making fists, their desire to close almost symbolises my desire to turn inward, to give in to this desire. Its hard as to find the balance, I need to stop this but fighting it makes to worse, it focuses my attention on this spiral. Letting go is what I need to do.
Then theres the emotion, I am feeling again, this... emotion is a feeling, I almost long for it like the food you know is bad for you. But you want it because it tastes good.
I want to damage myself, I am broken on the inside, this will only mean that the outside is a closer representation of my inside. It would be more honest...
Even when I stop typing my hands instantly go to ball up. Thank goodness for my love of this MacBook and managing to keep my cool to type, blog, and show some care for this machine. More bloody care than I can show for myself. Dammit I annoy me. Why am I still like this, why do I still struggle?
I can seemingly go days, even a week plus and I still get like this. Is this just a reminder than I will never be rid of this mind disease? That I will always struggle with the deisre to self destruct, to self harm, to fuck myself over?
Anger is giving way to sadness now, I can already feel the tiredness, that comes after an episode. I guess this is some form of muscle reaction after being over active or or high internal intensity.
While I now try to rebalance myself, I am disappointed that sleep is seemingly all I can do to reset myself. Does that even count? It feels like I'm still failing at whatever I'm trying to do.
I feel, I guess thats good right? With tears running down my face I will end this post, I have survived this episode. Something my former therapist said is like a version of a panic attack. Its just so hard to be like this.
Im still trying to learn myself, but its ok to not be ok.