New Year Journal Entry - Depression & more?
So New Year...
Well it was one to remember and one to forget. I actually can't remember half of it already and not in a good way. As planned I was having a good afternoon with Darryl and Sam before going to the Talking Heads gig. Katie was also going to join us.
However, around the time I started to feel tipsy I must have lost control. I don't remember what happened, but from what I've heard the struggles I've been keeping in took over. I lost control of my body and parts of my mind. I was still there but had no control over what I was doing.
Apparently I started hitting myself and talking about self harming. I remember being in the conservatory trying to get air, wanting to be outside. But it's all just flashes. At times I could hear the girls voices and feel them holding my hand. It did calm me for a time I think. But I also remember struggling with Darryl and lashing out.
I remember being in pain. I remember knowing I needed to be restrained, I remember 'tapping out' and wanting to die. I couldn't struggle any more. I had lost the fight for my body and for my mind. That 'box' your meant to put all the bad things in to contain them, now held me, instead of the bad thoughts which now had control. The most I could do was say sorry and keep asking "please help".
At one stage, possibly two I remember getting outside and starting to walk away from the house. Well, I didn't exactly get far, pretty sure I only made it halfway up the drive.
At some stage the guys called my dad who came and picked me up. I vaguely recall being moved / bundled into his car. Then trying really hard to at least contain myself because I was in a car. Once I was at dads I think I raged most of the night. I'm saying raged it could have been a type of seizure or attack I don't know.
Then this morning I was again desperate for fresh air, bread and water. I don't now how loud I was but it felt like I was calling out and shouting for a long time. There was some variation, I occasionally added in a "I need help" "what's wrong with me" and what I can't only assume will now be known as my catchphrase "please help".
During the day I did have, something I think resembling a seizure, a number of times. It started with a pins and needles like feeling in my arm, that then moved down to my hand. As this tingling filled my arm, my hand / fingers would manipulate themselves and stayed fixed in their position. Even when the seizure past it was some time until I regained control of my hand. I found this highly alarming, worrying and emotional. Particularly when trying to pick something up or even just seeing my hand. Feeling yourself lose control is not good.
Going for a walk and getting some air helped a lot. I even managed to compose myself in front of by passers. At least I think I did. I still struggled with just coming to terms with what happened. The realisation that the battle I fight, was lost...for a while there I had lost and I was nothing, I didn't exist.
I struggled and forced down dinner. Eating a meal has helped but it was so difficult to do. After this I slept for a few hours. Great! However I'm now waking up at 10pm less great. My eye is starting to hurt (its from hitting myself last night) and I feel soreness on my arms, legs and hands. I'm hoping that I continue to 'normalise' and am ok tomorrow. I've decided to take my medication starting Sunday. I'm hoping this will start to help in a couple of weeks too.
Here's hoping that your New Year has got off to a better start than mine.