Being 40
- Mike Douglas
- 29 minutes ago
- 2 min read
How? How has this happened? And I don't mean that in the way it's often said; as in 'how am I 40 years old, I was just 20'. No, I mean, I didn't think I would be alive at 30, how am I still here?
At 28 my life spiralled. From seemingly having it all to feeling like I had nothing. I wanted out, the battle was too hard, the thoughts were too dark, the emptiness too welcoming. And being here the next day, week, month felt unlikely and almost undesired.
So to be here 12 years later, what the fidget spinner! Sometimes (like now) I just pause and softly reflect, quietly question and praise the good fortune and effort that lead to me being here today. To move from there to here, is... it just kind of creates a crack in my brain. Like that isn't possible, and yet it happened. But how? Somehow, it just did...
A not just to be alive, but to have had the time and experiences I have. To have the relationship I do with Laura, to have a wonderful Henry, to be in our home and to have met and chatted to all the people I have, to have breathed in all that air. Wow, I have been blessed.
Coming up to being 40, there's been more reflecting and more 'what's next?' thoughts. I think maybe in part because me approaching 40 feels so stupidly different to me approaching 30. Like sure there's been some fidget spinner hard times, but fidget spinner, there's been some great times too. So, whats next? If that's more of the same, I'm down! If it's something new, let's see it.
Over the last 10 years a mixture of depression and pressures have taken away any enjoyment of birthdays, replacing it with pressure, expectations, demands, anxiety and depression. While I'm not on the celebration train yet, the last two years of doing my own thing and having a little extra time with Laura and Henry have been great. So this year, maybe more of that; heck, maybe something more.
Whatever happens, I am forever grateful for the support of friends and Laura. For the conversations with acquaintances, for the journey.
40!? Kinda unbelieveable. Kinda amazing. Breathing is good.
Blogger's note: This post does not include sponsored content. None of the services, projects, campaigns or charities mentioned have seen this post before it is published, nor have they instructed me on what to say. The views, experiences, thoughts and insights expressed in this post are my own. The links included are direct web links and are not affiliate links.
Additional links and signposting:
Samaritans - Listening service
Anxiety UK - Anxiety and Stress
Local Minds - Find your local Mind (mental health service)
Mental Health UK - Burnout
Mind - Self Care for depression
Stress Management Society - From distress to de-stress