My Mental Health Last Monday - Depression
These are notes, or thoughts I had a week or so ago. They are from three parts of my Monday morning. I have left the text as disjointed as when I wrote it to give you an idea of the fragmentation going on within my mind.
I am writing this in an attempt to make today seem real...Nothing feels real. My cereal didn't taste of anything, my drink tasted like an orange complexion from some other flavour or ingredients. Since waking this morning there has been no urgency to get ready for work. The only urgency has been in writing this before all thought leaves my mind.
If you died, would you know? Could this be a weird dream. Am I already dead?
Last night, I got out of bed, walked down stairs, into the kitchen, I picked up a knife and placed it on my wrist, twice.
In my mind I feel I know that I didn't do it. But what if I did, what if I did and now I'm dead. And this isn't real.
I'm here and it's time to pretend I'm ok.
Time to pretend I'm not confused.
Time to pretend I'm not thinking about harming myself.
Time to pretend I'm not so depressingly sad.
Time to pretend I'm ok.
I'm not sure who this act is for.
Is it really for them. Or do I want to come to work because while I'm pretending for them, I'm really pretending for me.
When your best friend asks if your ok and you don't reply. Because you can't. You've always been 100% honest with each other, and you just can't bring yourself to tell them what you did, what you nearly did.
I continue to struggle, but I'm learning to talk more and speak to people about mental health and depression in particular. I've started to talk to some great people on Twitter who are going through similar struggles, which has helped. If you would like to chat feel free to follow or tweet me @Mike_Douglas_
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