Wrestling with Life and Death
Last week was emotional, and really unexpected. For two reasons. First the sudden passing of Ben, known in the wrestling world as PAC. A wonderful human, aged just 40, born the same year as me.
I’ve never really been a celebrity follower or felt that closeness many people feel to celebrities; they are people I don’t know and have never met. As a fan of wrestling, you do get exposed to death. There’s been many well known wrestlers die, and some at a very young ages. So when Ben’s passing hit me, it was a unexpected reaction.
It was less than 24 hours after watching him appear on a pay per view, and I was reading the extremely sad news of his passing. My thoughts immediately went out to his family, friends and colleagues. I felt a sadness and a shock at a loss, I really wasn’t part off. Yet it somehow struck cords with me.
That feeling of death following you, that danger in every moment potentially being your last, that sadness and grief left behind. The danger and sadness of both being the one leaving and (alternatively) being left.
The stories, well wishes, testimonies and love that pored out for Ben were so very moving and later in the week the tribute show really was a moment of sadness, but also celebration. It was an outpouring of emotion.
It was another moment (or a few) of realising how much mental load I carry. This worry and pressure sits behind everything. And while there was some catharsis in the shared stories and celebration of this beautiful public figure, it did, for me, give legitimacy to some of my (maybe) irrational fears.
Because of the repeated and intrusive thoughts, I feel prepared for death as a 'thing'. But untimely, unjust death, stolen life, is such a worry and stressful thought process.
This is something I'll be discussing in my upcoming therapy sessions!
For now, I try to pause, breathe, and again. And not rush to "I need to be more prepared for bad things happening". I close my eyes, breathe, and hear laughter in the next room. It’s time to stop thinking and to read books and play with the coolest kid.
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