What Is My Life?
Struggling with those thoughts, you know? Like shouldn't I be where I want to be now?
Had had a moment the other day, I was walking along the street at lunchtime and it hit me. I am 31, The time to explore and discover should be over. I should be set for 'life' now. Soon I will be 40 and my life will start its downward cycle. I will be able to do less, my mind will be less creative, I will be slower in many ways.
Then theres the thought that I may not live until an old age. Maybe I will die when I'm 75, 57, 43 or 35? No one can say how long we have, there is no guarantee. Heck, I could be closer to my death than my birth right now.
What do I have to show for my time on this earth? A failed marriage, broken mental health, ever worsening physical health, no one close to me, tears of sadness more often than happiness. What has been my purpose? Did I even have one? If I wasn't here tomorrow would it really make any difference?
I guess its acknowledging those thoughts and accepting them. Then flipping the coin.
Yes, tomorrow I will be older than today. But so will everyone else. Tomorrow is one day, not 10, 20, 30 years. As I get older, my body and my mind will age... in experience.
There is no guarantee, so I will do my best to enjoy each day. Sure working, driving, pooing, isn't always fun. The there will be some laughs.
My mental health is less than good, but because of my trauma I have met some of the most amazing and beautiful people.
Yes I have a failed marriage. But I have known love. I have shared my life with someone.
No 'one' is close to me, but I have many friends. Each provides another source of smiles, humour, hugs, support and compassion.
Yes I cry, but its in those moments I feel.
Maybe, just maybe, purpose is over rated.