First Date, Similar Problems
I've been on a first date and it went well.
WARNING: Sexual Content - Yay! haha
Those that read my blog will know I struggle with relationships and some of the things that go with being in a relationship (previous post). This is part of the reason that I became more interested and confident with sexting (Hugging and Sexting post). It allows me to create a connection with someone and share that organismic experience, without the confusion and frustration I have around relationships.
Last Friday, I think maybe it was Saturday? Eek I should know this shouldn't I. We matched on tinder. We spoke a little and flirted a bit. Then Sunday night arranged to meet on Tuesday. However we were both very attracted to each other, and our conversation led to talk of the kissing and some other things we wanted to do.
This would be the first time I met someone after sexting, but that wasn't the strange thing. It was more that I actually felt more relaxed about the date. It was more that this was someone that I could talk openly to about depression, writing, sex, someone that could understand and was attracted to.
We had arranged to meet on Tuesday after work and fortunately I was able to get out a little early so I missed a lot of the traffic. This meant I arrived in Petersfield earlier than I thought I would. So I went for a walk around the lake first which was nice. I even caught 3 Pokemon, took a couple of photos and got cold enough to see quite a lot of my breath.
I found the pub we were meeting at just around the corner. I'd got there about 20 minutes early so grabbed a drink and a seat. I felt very relaxed and I do think a big part of that was having sexted before. It had allowed us to have a bit of a release and also so see that we were similar and not too nervous around each other.
Obviously I'd seen photos on tinder but you never know exactly what someone will look like until you see them. All I knew was that if this was an old guy, he had good game!
I was very pleased to see Emma (name changed) when she arrived. She was a girl, not an old guy, wooo! Haha. She was pretty, much more than her photo. Like how often does that happen? I was nervous because it was a first date. But I did feel relaxed and at easy with Emma. When it came to food Emma wanted to pay for herself. Which I liked, I don't like it when there's an assumption that the guy will pay. Her instance on paying at the bar meant I really wanted to (she got me haha). In fact I had to do a quick wireless payment so she didn't have a chance to get hers out.
We chatted through the evening about a lot of random stuff you do when your getting to know someone. It was lovely. Later we moved around to some more private seats, basically because I wanted to get closer to Emma. I enjoyed the excitement I felt when our legs touched, I spent more time than I should just looking at Emma's face, her dark eyes and full lips. After some dodgy chat about a Wetherspoons magazine, yes there is such a thing! I went for it, what a lovely kiss it was. I was in what must have looked like a strange pose, as I had had to leave my seat. So I was kind of squatting hahaha. I eventually moved round and sat on the coffee table to continue our pashing.
12am quickly approached and so we made our way to the car park and there may have been some against the car pashing before the date came to an end.
We have spoken since and even had date number two. Which lasted 25 hours, so it's fair to say it went well. We are very attracted to each other. But we are keeping things slow and not committed at the moment. I really value this. I have and continue to struggle with some of the things that come with a relationship. Even this weekend on date two, we were in bed and I started to shake across my whole body (on this occasion not in a good way). I feel so silly and annoyed at myself. Like I feel so not 'normal'. I could feel the frustration building up and the need to hit myself did enter my mind and control of my arm became really hard. I almost moved away from Emma because I was starting to worry. Fortunately I managed to control my breathing and it eventually passed. This is clearly something that is going to continue to affect me and something I will have to continue to work on. I do fell sad about that. Like there's something wrong with me.
I recently had my group therapy review and asked about diagnosis, but they said that's only needed for medication and it doesn't help. But I feel like it would. They said that we are our own best judges and diagnosisers (I don't think that's actually what they said as that's not a real word...).
I feel like this is part of my BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), and that does help to describe and identify whats happening and to some extent why.
I have this concern that I'll never be able to have a 'normal' relationship or be able to deal with my own emotions. It's like either I push them away or they leave so don't get to excited dude. The dating bit is fun, it's really fun! But this'll be over at some stage, so just know that.
I don't know how I'm meant to work with that. I guess that I am happier on my own than I was before helps, all that love yourself stuff. I wouldn't say I'm quite there. But I'm starting to like me a little again.
I guess this is part of why I don't want to rush things it's because this dating bit is fun and their not exposed to all of me, while I'm also not as bad. I know any relationship is going to make me worse. It's... I guess just trying to accept that and seeing that as a short term thing and seeing what happens if a relationship became longer term at a slow pace. Over thinking much?
I am also struggling with telling Emma about my past. I want to, but I worry it will put her off or mean she sees me as a failure or dishonest for not bring it up before. Also I guess it makes things more serious if you talk about some of that stuff too early. Maybe that's why I have a desire to spurt it out on the first or second time I meet someone. Because it will push them away? I don't know. Self harm definitely comes in many forms. I don't mean that disparagingly or dismissively, but I really feel some of the things I do are a form of self harm.
Anyway, I'm choosing to focus on the good stuff for now. I've had two great dates, got to lay next to a beautiful woman in bed, shared a lovely walk, survived the worse film I have ever watched in By The Sea (Angelina and Brad Pitt), some great kisses and some great sex. I'm not going to focus on the self hate I started to feel about my thinking, my shaking, and my mind.
Thanks for reading, I'd be really interested to hear if you struggle with BPD and depression in relationships. Please make me feel less strange!