Today I had my first meeting with Malcolm, I forget his exact title but I think he is my Care Worker. I found it beneficial to go in the the MH unit and meet him. Today was just a chance to introduce ourselves to each other and go through what the next process involves.
I was a bit worried about the meeting because I was not really sure what to expect and while I knew roughly what was happening, I have been to the MH unit before and they have said 'this will happen' then nothing. So it was good to see / hear that something is happening this time.
I attended this meeting with my mum as she attended the last session where I raised concern over how things have gone. Then, I felt like she needed to hear some stuff to understand little more, plus I would have really struggled to keep her out of the consultation and I just had no effort to fight or express anything other than ok. But this time I felt different, it was ok in that this was an introduction to Malcolm and its probably good that someone else has met him. This time I felt more guarded because she was there though I did not open up as much and while this meeting didn't require that much as it was an introduction, I believe this would have greatly hindered anything I would have gone from a session.
My overactive mind can not decide if this is because we all need some privacy and that naturally I don't feel committable talking about some of this in front of a parent, or is it me just pushing someone else that is trying to help away?
As we walked into the MH unit I could already feel myself getting annoyed at the rambling, I know this is hard for anyone that Im with, they don't understand and to some extent I don't want them to understand. Either, its personal, I just don't want to share, or I want to deal with it on my own, or Im just becoming more annoyed by some people. I almost feel at this stage like Id rather try on my own and fail (whatever that entails), than accept the help of those around me and succeed.
I guess its also that I don't what to be reliant on people, well anyone really....
When I say things like that I think yes I have probably felt like this for a long time, but defiantly more so in the last two years. I kind of feel like thats sad, but is it? I mean its ok to be single, and to be independent. Its ok to have your own thing going on, and we all struggle with life in our own ways.
So yer, there is some over thinking for you.
Anyway, I found today useful. Just to know there is progress. I have another appointment, tomorrow with a Doctor to review my medication. After that all my information will be put to a panel, who it is expected will confirm that I need a psychological evaluation. Great news in terms of hopefully finding out a little more and hopefully being offered one to one therapy or counselling soon. However, I have already been warned that this will clash with my current working hours. As such I am very likely to have to reveal my mental illness to my workplace, which is something I do not want to do. I am trying not to think about that at this stage and I'll just worry about it nearer the time (I will worry!).
Upon leaving the MH unit I felt like it had been a beneficial visit and while I was not a lot further forward, I had met Malcolm, now have a better idea of whats happening and the timeline. Plus I was not as bad at the MH unit today as I was last week when I was there. Annoyingly though my mum wasn't happy, or rather was dishearten that we had not "achieved" anything from the visit. I think this maybe highlights the frustration I have. Because it is so hard to explain some things and I seem to be better at talking it through with myself on a blog or podcast. Possibly because I feel like I am talking to myself or to others that better understand. When family members keep saying "better" it annoys me so much. They seem to have this idea that things are going to improve in like a few weeks or a month. Its just not going to happen like that. They are also critical of the medication I take, which I think has helped. Again not sure if this is me pushing them away or just getting increasingly frustrated with their input. I know they want to help, but I feel like they contribute to making me worse. To be clear I do not blame them, I am talking about the way that I react to them. Its hard to explain, but some of you will know what I mean... hopefully.
I am not sure what the purpose of this post was I just had to sit down and get some of this annoyance out of my system. Sorry keyboard.