Thinking with My Eyes Closed
I’m currently in bed awake, very sleepy, thinking...
This week I’ve started waking up earlier so I can see Laura in the morning before she goes to work. Bit of a wake up call when she’s up at about 6am and I’d been getting up at 8-8.15am (now I work from home). But I am giving the 6.30-45am a go.
It’s been lovely to see Laura in the morning, rather than the sleep wave or kiss goodbye, which in honesty I only remember half the time.
It’s been interesting to have time in the morning to rest, while awake. It’s something I’ve rarely been able to do the last... nearly 10 years. Just laying down and listening to myself became depressing and dangerous. Inset I’ve always tried to be busy or have some sound on. There’s been lots of watching YouTube, listening to a podcast or music. That sound helped block out the thoughts in my mind. It helped distract from my thoughts.
While I still hear some of those thoughts, their power, their effect, continues to lessen.
Laura often asks if I’m happy, and in the past I’d been saying yes because I felt bad for saying no (I’m pretty sure she saw through that most of the time). But recently I’ve found myself saying yes and realising it’s true. It’s something that seems so small, but means so much.
Like now, being able to lay here with no video, music or podcast playing. Being able to just have a few moments with myself, it’s... well, it feels quite big.
Hopefully after this week I’ll be a bit less sleepy in the morning and get used to waking up earlier. Hopefully that’ll also mean getting sleepy earlier, as 1am to 6.30am doesn’t sound like a great sleep routine to me. So fingers crossed for 10-11pm sleepyness soon (which is apparently not a word?).