It’s one of many reasons, but equally it is one of them…
I grew up hearing “if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything”. This message, along with "you never know when you'll need something from someone, so keep them on side" meant I have always been careful with my truths and thoughts, I've held back, a lot, for a long time. <While posting this in December'24 it was written a few months ago. Like many of my more personal posts, I have allowed a little time to pass before posting this.>
These life lessons of being wary and holding back have definitely sat alongside my childhood experience of parental divorce and later my depression. I have lived with hold back, tell this person that, but not that; which gradually becomes just tell everyone less. As an adult and through therapy I have learnt about things like ‘safe people and places’. And on reflection during multiple points in my life I learnt relatives were not ‘safe people’ for me to share with. And that on the occasion something below surface level was shared then an argument, disagreement or belittling happened; which reinforced the notion that sharing rule; dont share.
Later as an adult, I had my own experiences with divorce, mental illness and life challenges. While there was some support from releatives our existing relationships didn’t allow this to be as connecting as some might assume. Again, I felt very much like these experiences were for me to sort out alone.
Maybe part of this is, when I was little the families you were shown were the 2.2 “traditional families”. Not the beautiful eclectic mix of diverse families we see today. So when my parents divorced, and had very aggressive interactions and altercations that began a shift in my brain and challeneged what my idea of familiy is. If these people are not my 'safe people' who is?
I have had some tricky conversations as an adult becuase using the word family conjures very very different images and meanings for people. This trickiness is added to by the language I choose to use, which is (because of my dyslexia and experience of mental crisis) usually very purposeful and selective. Which with safe people you'd have time space and openness to discuss. However, I dont feel that space or desire to be judged, critisied or to have to explain myself.
In the last twoyears life has changed again, as we learn more about Laura’s neurodiversity and explore our own parenting style alongside both working full time jobs. This is a time when many families seemingly pull together and offer support. Again this becomes difficult because of those mixed expectations. Because of my lived experience with family/ relatives I didn’t want this support, but there have been times we’ve needed it. Fortunately Laura has a strong relationship with her family for her/ us to lean on. Which involved a lot of talking and (very reluctantly from me) openness. While I was reluctunat (I still am) to let people in, it is very different when you do not have that history to overcome before the conversation can start.
I would say particularly in the few months, but gradually since we’ve had Henry I am more exhausted mentally and physically and have found life difficult at points. And that’s been hard.
To then have negative comments and complains from family/ relatives because you can’t have a phone call or visit ‘now/ today’ and it having to be planned around work and parenting, when calls and visits have always been planned; probably since I was 7. Is just too much. Laura and Henry are my priority and then trying to keep well and work, if someone’s unhappy they are not higher on that priority list that’s not something I can do much about. I’d maybe question why you think you should be higher than those things to be honest, and or then maybe reflect on why you’re not.
Maybe on my first Father’s Day, it might have been nice to receive a Happy Father’s Day message. Alas, instead the Happy Father’s Day message I sent, received a reply of why aren’t you more available.
It’s almost never an offer of support or check in, it’s when someone else wants something from me. And I think I’ve run out of energy and mental capacity to continue editing my life around trying to please people in the way I did for 25 years. I had 7 years of a family, I’m 38 now, that’s over 30 years of either my parents moaning about each other or moaning about me. Maybe in that context my views make more sense, I grew up to not need or rely on them or anyone.
I (with Laura) have had to work really hardly on my own mental wellbeing management, relationship and trust building to build our family, and so I am very protective of that.
We support and trust each other. We manage our communication, environment and parenting to best support the three of us. It’s not always easy, but it is always a privilege.
We are both very passionate about our work too, which, while being challenging at times (and very tiring), provides us with a sense of purpose and achievement. Our work can and does affect both of us, and in turn affects the other as the partner. We manage these demands by supporting each other.
Anyone can judge how we live, it’s their mind their thoughts. They can even have their expectations, but those are theirs. I'm still trying to learn to not let them effect me as much as they do.
But the thing is when you call my life, the thing I work so hard to have and am so fortunate to enjoy with Laura and Henry, “a sad live” and be belittle it, it is just more proof that I’ve always been right, these are not my safe people. And if anything I need to protect my family from this, not expose them to more of that.
There’s still a relationship that can be had when you disagree and a connection that can exist. But if you want more it does require some reflection on why and how we are where we are.
Bloggers Note:
Anyone can judge how we live, it’s their mind their thoughts their judgements. They can even have their expectations, but those are also just theirs.
The things I remember:
Try to find wellbeing activities that support you
Try to find your Safe People, these maybe friends, colleagues, family, or professional services
Consider talking to your GP if your stress, worry or mood become too negatively affected
Check out talking and or listening services
Find your local Mind
Chat to Samaritans