So Many Intrusive Thoughts
This is one of those in the moment posts. I wrote this yesterday afternoon while struggling after a busy week. Please remember if you’re struggling it’s important to talk to someone.
So many intrusive thoughts. How can my thoughts be so... how am I so invested in each thought, yet at the same time there are so many. I continue to struggle with my own mind. With the thoughts of frustration, low self worth, self doubt, anger at it all, at the fact this still affects me, that the thought of just stopping breathing is appealing. The sadness and then anger that if stopping breathing was an option, it’s one I would take. In this moment a moment of what should be happiness. I am still filled with self hatred and frustration. Why am I filled with thoughts of and a desire to hit myself. Is it to get to those thoughts in my head. To knock them from my brain to somehow attack them at their route. Am I, in some strange way, trying to save myself by fighting my brain? I am frustrated that I want to be happy yet I will not allow myself that. It’s me stopping me. No one else. I feel those thoughts moving from my brain down through my gritted teeth, and in/ out as my breath quickens. My heart beats quicker and louder. Those thoughts become more intrenched in my mind and body. The blood pulses round my body and I feel that anger rise. I twich as my body fights against the coming actions. My hand finds itself against my temple. The attack works it’s way in; initially with rubbing my head then quickly becoming tapping and the hitting isn’t far away. I do what I can to distract myself. I don’t think I want to do this. I definitely don’t want to do it in front of her. It’s not fair, I don’t want her to see me like this, I don’t want to violate her mind, her save place, her home with my issues. The moments of relaxing, the moments of happiness, they are still the hardest.