Fighting the episode
It's happening again. I feel like I kind of knew it would. I'm going to start writing to hopefully work through this.
This weeks been great. Its been really busy at work as I've been leading our college Freshers Fair. I worked late on Monday and was in early on the three days of the fair, as well as working through lunch. As I said, it's been great. But it's been a lot and has been on my mind constantly. I've been so tired in the evening I have really just come home to have dinner and sit down to YouTube or Twitter.
I felt like this weekend would be difficult because I've not had time to rest or relax. I did have a bath. But only lasted about 45 mins. Those that know me, know when I bath, I bath! Hahaha. Two hours is not a rarity.
Additionally I have not eaten much in the evenings. Again, this can be telling because my episodes often happen (as the one I'm fighting now has) after I've eaten a good meal. I guess I'm held back sometimes by my body's need for energy to have the episode? I didn't know, would that be a thing?
When relaxing means your more likely to lose control that's not good. For me it also means I sometimes feel like I'm just giving in to the fitting and emotional outburst because I'm tired, I want to be able to relax, I just can't fight it.
I felt like that a few minutes ago, I was ready to just let it happen. But something in me said you shouldn't do that, do something, get up (then my inner me saw that wasn't happening, so), write. I'm glad I started typing away on my phone. It's gradually stopped the episode. Which is good I guess... I feel...sad I suppose. It's almost like I want the episode, because that's my chance to feel, to experience emotion.
I guess that's back to the loving the part of me I'm not meant to post I wrote a few weeks ago...
Apart from getting up to make/eat breakfast and reluctantly one trip to the toilet (I even thought about what I could 'go' in to avoid getting out of bed and moving 15 feet to the toilet. I've been in bed for about 15 hours now and if anything I want to sleep and kind of be outside is that possible?
So confused...and tired.