It's night time, I'm in a club, the music is loud and slightly surprisingly good. I've broken away from my friends because I feel like I need a few moments to myself. It's hard, I've realised how easy it is to slip back into having that front. I've been honest in my review of how the last two days have gone. But I have avoided conversation of anything prior to that. I guess it's kind of understandable. Yet at the same time it's sad. It's sad I'm still not able to talk as openly as I would like with people I consider close friends.
I know they would not have a negative reaction or think less of me because of the struggles I am going through. I think it is more to do with my inability to talk about something I still don't fully understand. I guess this is something I'm still learning to do.
Opps. Had to stop there, as they found me. Haha. That set of some heavy twitching in my leg, which was a worry for a bit there. I could feel it starting to take over my mind as well as my body. Fortunately a combination of my friends just talking crap and managing to re-focus meant that the twitching stopped. Plus they have now given me some space which is good. Maybe they understand more than I think? Or maybe they just got bored of me not really communicating. My negative mind is kind of holding on to the negative option of those two.
In trying to refocus my mind, I am thinking about being pleased with getting the domain sorted for my website. Having started making a hosting change to my blog, so it sits on the website rather than blogger. Having rested for the last day or two. My cool new tattoo!
Though even that, I haven't shown anyone (other than you guys). I think because part of my reasoning for getting it is to do with my depression and whatever else is going on with me. So I don't want to talk about or explain it to anyone. That makes me sad, but I am happy to have it for myself right now.
I am also very pleased with the growth of the podcast. I recently saw the change with the increased view / listen numbers which is amazing. There seems to be a few of you that have gone back and are listening to early episodes too, which is really cool too. I've started to have a couple of people that are coming back to the podcast on a regular basis and some who are interested in teaming up on collaboration projects which is also an amazing development.
Well this has been a positive thing to do. Just standing, now siting and writing has helped to stop the spiral. While allowing me to get the negative stuff out and express it, then move on to the more positive things that are going on. Mmmm, yes it's helped.
Hope it brings something to someone, if not it helped me.
Thanks for reading