So it's been awhile... I think last time I posted my medication had just been increased, since then there's been a few changes.
I was originally on 20mg of citalopram, which after my first review was increased to 40mg (I believe your meant to have a review after 4 weeks, though my review was after 10 weeks). The 20mg had helped with decreasing the intensity of the thoughts and emotions I was having. However they had not affected the frequency. I still faced constant torture with feelings of low mood, low morale, low energy, low motivation, generally very low. I was still having thoughts of self harm, the sight of a knife was and is my leading demon. But other thoughts would persist with their attempted coup of my mind, drowning, suffocation, jumping from a high position (there's a couple of places in particular). Given the condition and danger I found myself in a New Year, even drink has found a way into my mind as ways to end this thing called life. I have even thought about drugs, something I have never previously been interested in or drawn too.
Then the moment can pass, sometimes it's quick, often it's not. I try not to think about it because of the seriousness of this..........well, because it's serious and scary.
Now I am taking 40mg a day this has continued to help with decreasing the intensity, as well as now starting to decrease the frequency of these thoughts and emotions. They are still there, but I'm ok with that. Is that good? I mean I'm not looking for a cure. Just help and understanding, and I guess being better equipped to deal with my condition. Then on the other hand, does this mean I'm holding on to these thoughts? It is true I do miss the intensity that I was getting with these thoughts, feelings and emotions. This is an issue I discussed with a couple of people in my final iTalk CBT group, which seemed to be something one or two others were familiar with.
I think my 'wellness' has also been helped by spending more time with my nieces in the last three weeks and having a few dates has been somewhat reaffirming too. I guess it's that idea of being more stable within yourself and seeing yourself through someone else's eyes too....maybe...I don't know.
Today I'm thinking of life as a journey, it doesn't have an end or a destination. Simply, different routes and various pathways, with plenty of options and numerous experiences to be explored.
Till next time, I hope you're well.