Birthday Reflection

It’s over ten years now… over tens years more of life than I thought I would have. And not just any ten years, while there’s difficult days, struggles and danger, it’s also been ten years filled with a lot of pride and privilege.

In the last ten years, I’ve met Laura, enjoyed so many thoughtful reflective conversations, we’ve both grown as people and as a couple. We’ve married (never thought I’d do that again), and we have a wonderful little boy, who is beyond amazing.

I’ve had ten years of conversations through this blog, the podcast and in workplaces and community setting about mental wellbeing, illnesses, different support and lived experiences.

It all still fills so detached from the life before.

I still have a small group of friends ‘from before’, though many friends and acquaintances are connections created in the last ten years. I've changed jobs, career goals and focuses. I've moved. So many things have changed; I believe I am fundamentally a different person now; because of those experiences.

Lots of us have moments in our lives that change us, that change our way of thinking and being, sometimes that’s called collapsing, or evolving, or avoiding, or growth; sometimes it's just change. Sometimes it’s all of those.

I think the part that maybe affects my separation and distancing with ‘before’ is the linked trauma that connected parts of my life from childhood and early adulthood to my traumatic moment(s) experience as an adult. Meaning rather than just that singular moment, it’s the whole connected trauma than I’ve needed to create distance from.

So for me, it's not one single moment. Sure there were triggering moments, but the depression, the spiralling thoughts, the low mood, the desire to give in to the sadness. Those were me for a period of time; and their remanence remains. While today I am in a better headspace, I still need to manage my wellbeing everyday. When I dont I notice those darker, lower, sadder thoughts return. Again, feeding into my mindset of fundamentally being a different me now.

While that mental work has been happening over time, we’ve recently also been learning how to live our best lives within our neurodivergent household, and while becoming parents. Two huge changes in how we work, rest and play.

I remember clearly the mindset of will I be here next week or month; the idea of a year seeming near ridiculous. So to be here 10(!) years later, and to be where I am is just mind-breaking.

Something that made a huge difference for me at a pivotal time was Twitter Chats. That connection to a community, the opportunity to talk with others experiencing mental health struggles and the understanding and compassion we had for each other. That experince was up there with some of the therepy I have recieved over the years. I really recommend peer/ social/ activity groups that include those safe spaces for conversations; those spaces can be, and are, live saving.

When I think of writing down my thoughts those first times, and feeling like my soul was seeping onto the page. My worries, my sadness ebbing out to paper. That desire to tell someone, but fierce determination to tell no one. That all encompassing nothing.

I sit here today (rather stressed and fatigued currently, however) full. I have a loving partner and child, I have work I find value and purpose in, I have friends and we pick up a conversation from 3-4 months ago, we have 3 cats that somehow know when you need affection and soothing. I am full, fortunate, privileged and proud.

Thank you to everyone that has been part of that journey over the last 10+ years, for the conversations, kindness, compassion and for listening.

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Blogger's note: This post does not include sponsored content. None of the services, projects, campaigns or charities mentioned have seen this post before it is published, nor have they instructed me on what to say. The views, experiences, thoughts and insights expressed in this post are my own. The links included are direct web links and are not affiliate links.

Additional links and signposting:

• Samaritans - Listening service

• Anxiety UK - Anxiety and Stress 

• Local Minds - Find your local Mind (mental health service) 

• Mental Health UK - Burnout 

• Mind - Self Care for depression

• Mind - Parent Mental Health

• Mental Health Foundation - Parenting and Mental Health 

• NHS - Low Mood: Tips for support

• Side By Side - Mind's online peer to peer community 

• Young Minds - Young People & Depression