The spiral that comes from nowhere...Well I guess it's not really nowhere.
Today I had my mental health assessment and my third italk workshop. So it's actually been a big day for my mental health.
This morning I gradually became very anxious about my assessment. I was conscious of not getting my hopes up for any positive outcomes or solutions from the day, for fear of disappointment after. At this point I've gone much more used to answering questions about my mental health, my thoughts, feelings and actions. despite this I was still quite anxious about the assessment what it was going to bring up and what the potential outcomes could be.
Through the assessment we spoke about my life up until this point and the things could've led to me being where I am now. It was a reflective experience in a beneficial way, but was also very challenging to talk about the things / experiences that I feel I have moved on from and resolved in my mind. However from the feedback I received is possible that in some instances I have not had or experienced the physical or emotional things that a person needs to to progress from certain experiences or events. As such they could very well be unresolved subconsciously, within my mind.
Hopefully I should hear back in about a week as to the recommendations in terms of future treatment or support from this assessment. So while I'm still trying to make a conscious effort not to be hopeful, I suppose I am. From the end of the assessment I believe that I will be requiring further support and treatment following my iTalk group workshops.
Then this evenings italk workshop... I would say for me week in week I have found the workshops to be more helpful and more beneficial. However each time I also experience spells of very negative thoughts. Particularlly this evening, where I spent most of the session just thinking about cutting. Through the session I've had a real desire to go home and grab a knife. So much so that I've decided at the end of the session and to just take a seat on the sofa here and write rather than go home just yet.
It can be so difficult break that cycle.
The coping strategies that we have discussed in the workshops are very useful and when in class talking about what's going on can make a lot of sense and it seems a very beneficial thing to do. However when I'm at home or out and the spiral starts it can be extremely difficult to stop what's going on and implement the techniques or strategies that we have discussed. I guess that just comes from practice and keeping on working on these techniques and strategies.
I think for me, making a real effort to write more often will really help. So I'm going to try make a real conscious effort to carry a book and a pen more often and take the time to sit down and write, even if it's just for a few minutes and something very brief.
The thoughts are still in my mind but they have subsided. Sitting down to write this for a few minutes has really helped and there was a short gap where I happened to see it old friend in the corridor and had a brief chat with him. The two things have helped to shift my mind.
As I said the thoughts are still there, but they have subsided. My mind has shifted for the moment. But my mind is also now exhausted.